Tip #3: Don’t have kids.

Kids cost money. According to common knowledge, they cost upwards of $17,000 a year. Do you have a spare nearly 20 grand lying around? Perhaps you’d like to spend it on Legos and child-size skateboards that linger, unused, in the garage. In place of the car you had to sell. Or perhaps you’d like to just sign your paycheck over to Spongebob Squarepants? (He also takes Visa.)

Also, kids bring guilt. You’ve got to feed them something other than rice and beans and cheap scotch. This is a fine (even recommended) diet for a bachelor or barren couple, but kids require pre-packaged Kid Food that comes in neon colors and funny shapes, so don’t do it.