It’s true, the recession is upon us – and it’s international. The global market has us all lashed to one another, and our little raft is taking on water. Think you can escape the crunch by fleeing to the UK, or to Australia? Perhaps you think this is 1908, sonny-boy, but you’re out of expatriatic luck. Truth is there’s only one ladder out of this international swamp, and that ladder is spelled Dubai.

Yes, glorious Dubai, golden Dubai, great champion of commerce Dubai. Dubai, UAE, is hermetically sealed by an invisible bubble of wealth that acts like any other greenhouse; money comes in but money DOES NOT LEAVE. In Dubai the streets are paved with platinum. This is not any ostentatious display of wealth – the fact is that Dubai has just too much platinum to go around, so now it ends up on the streets and on the soles of my shoes.

Yes, I did just say my shoes. I am writing this to you from Dubai. Although I am in the lower 10th percentile of wealth here in Dubai, as compared to global wealth, to your wealth, I am a money god. Everybody here is! We’re just so sick & tired of hearing about your troubles, economic or otherwise, and also your democratic primary. Whenever news of your world comes in through my golden radio I pick up my diamond hammer and I smash that golden radio into shards, which the children play with before discarding because here, in Dubai, it literally is not worth our time to bend down and pick that gold up.