Unlike most people, I’ve been looking forward to jury duty for my whole life. Something about the formality, the sense of civic obligation, and the potentially bus-terminalish humiliation of it has called my name since I first said the pledge of allegiance.

I have only been here for four hours, and it has not let me down.

The jury pool waiting room is large and spacious, and happens to be walking distance from my house. “There’s a wifi, whatever that is,” said the authoritative man who led the introductory proceedings. So far so good. People are all reading or watching MSNBC. When the TV first turned on, it was showing a very loud advertisement for a store called Liquor Land.

The famous New York State jurors instructional video “YOUR TURN: Jury Service in New York State” was everything I’d been told it would be. It started off with Ed Bradley leading us through a Medieval Times-inspired “trial by ordeal”, wherein a fellow was bound and thrown in the water while the townsfolk awaited God’s verdict (if you haven’t seen it, I won’t tell you what it was… jurors are required to have no pre-conceptions of the case beforehand). The film titles were in bold centered Futura, much of it all caps (the only good way to set Futura). After the reenactment, and a short course on the history of trial by jury (Greeks good, Romans bad, Medieval Europeans horrible) we were treated to a cross section of New Yorkers complaining about how much they were not looking forward to their jury service. (This video was made before “a wifi” was put in their waiting room, I bet.) Note: one of the complainers is obviously drunk. There was some talk about Charlemagne, and then Ed Bradley was done.

Diane Sawyer was next. Anyone who babysat me back in the day knows that I used to have a huge crush on her, so it was nice to see her here, in this unfamiliar place. She showed us some clips of what the court room is NOT like. Apparently it is NOT in black and white, people are NOT allowed to just walk around as they please, and dewy-eyed blondes do NOT start crying on the stand. Also, Perry Mason is NOT there. We learned about the people in the court room: Claire Huxtable’s look-alike is the judge, the court reporter has excellent posture, and the clerk is so guilty-looking I couldn’t possibly be impartial in that trial. Marcia Clark appears to be the counsel for the defense. She’s very commanding, but her hair is ridiculous, and that red suit is straight out of the “Dress for Success” bin. You can do better, girl!!

Two important takeaway points from Diane:
1. people who have been on juries have a much better opinion of our legal system than those who have not.
2. “In many ways, serving on a jury has more impact than voting.” Tell that to Al Gore, lady!

Back in Realityland, the guy in charge led us through an hour of turning over and over one little piece of paper on which we were asked to answer about six questions. (It’s starting to be clear that this system is meant to accommodate the many many people here who are, let’s say, not fit for jury service.) The highlights of this section were his Valentine’s Day greeting and when he introduced one question by saying “If you are a housewife, full time student, retired, self-employed, or unemployed…” First off, “housewife”??? Can you still say that? And secondly, since when is self-employment somewhere in between retirement and unemployment? I’m beginning to feel alienated.

Seven categories of people who can be excused are called, and I’m including head counts:
1. People who don’t live in Brooklyn/Kings County. (0)
2. Not a citizen of the US. (3)
3. Parents or guardians who do not work, with children under 14. (14)
4. Convicted of a felony. (2)
5. Served as city, state, or federal jurors within 4 years. (2)
6. Medical exemptions (30, including a lady in a neck brace! Diane is wrong, this is EXACTLY like television)
7. Difficulty understanding English (20, and they were mocked mercilessly, which was funny and either illegal or tacky)

Jury duty, if you don’t get on a jury, is now only one day long we’re told, and your services exempts you for EIGHT YEARS. I’m soaking this up.

There were lots of people with special cases to deal with, and since that excitement died down I’ve been sitting here for about an hour trying to get work done. A group of twelve people (who I’m guessing are an empaneled jury although I have no proof, which is essential in court proceedings) just filed in and sat in a row together. They seem to have a real rapport, and I’m jealous. Oh, and now they’re getting up and filing back out.

My feelings of alienation are growing.